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An Inkling

As a teenager I attempted to teach myself guitar. I got as far as learning a lot of the chords but not beyond the stage of pausing indefinitely to switch between chords while sticking out my tongue like a toddler taking his first steps. Some of the finger exercises are etched in my memory though and I developed a bit of a nervous habit of rippling the fingers of my right hand like a flamenco guitarist. If only my left hand could get its act together.

The first symptom that I noticed before being diagnosed with Parkinsons was a slowness of movement and lack of control in my right hand. I'd liken it to the grab-a-toy claw that you see in amusement arcades. You're sending the right signals but they are lost in translation. The word 'claw' always feels inappropriate in this context as it implies a kind of feral power which makes it all the more disappointing when you see the robot claw grasping ineffectually at the prizes. To feel that sense of detachment while trying to turn the brush as you clean your teeth is disconcerting.

Photo credit: Nlan86, CC BY-SA 3.0, Link

I started doing the flamenco air strum more often in the vague hope that if I did it often enough my hand would remember what it was supposed to do. It also acted as a useful indicator whether the condition was improving or not. I waited for it to go away but it persisted so I googled it. The top hit was a post on a forum from someone who turned out to have Parkinsons. I shut down my browser quickly. You should never use the internet to self diagnose, I reminded myself and didn't mention it to anyone.

From what I have read, my loss of dexterity in my hand is a fairly typical route to diagnosis of Parkinsons. One of the set of tests that my neurologist used to make the diagnosis was the wiggly finger move though he calls it "playing the piano". Medication has helped to reduce that feeling of detachment from my hand and some things, like brushing my teeth, are easier now than they were before my diagnosis five years ago.

I still ripple my fingers quite often. The physiotherapist recommended exercises like that to try and stave off rigidity. Sometimes I do it to see if my medication is wearing off or to remind myself if I've taken the last lot. Sometimes I do it to see if I've miraculously shaken off Parkinsons. I don't know, maybe i've eaten or drunk something which just happens to contain the compound that medicine has been looking for all these years. Maybe my body has been subconsciouly working at ridding itself of the responsible proteins and has finally cracked it. That is the nature of hope I suppose.

Recently I had a try at playing my guitar again with low expectations. To my surprise I found it easier than I had all those years ago. I think that the dexterity in my left hand has improved as I've begun to use it more often as my right hand becomes less co-operative. I've shaved five seconds off those chord transitions. Just ten more to go.

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